me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him