So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?