DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.