$3 #books
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
scared to check what name she chose
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Brands during Pride
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No