Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
You wish you had this many chins.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I have so many questions.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away