Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
What the hell is going on?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.