I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.