I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time