Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Can’t stop laughing
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Damn he played himself
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.