I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.