Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.