13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
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Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”