*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I hate everything
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Current mood: Potato
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Passwords are more important than ever.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety