doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.