Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.