Grandmother clock.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
When your parents check you’re ok.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Flowers bee like
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.