At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Solving a traffic jam
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft