Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.