Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
You Might Also Like
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Writing, She Murdered.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”