Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
This trial is so absurd 😭
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Good morning!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.