If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone