why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
one last job
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.