Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing