Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
You Might Also Like
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I need a headline like this
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE