My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
You Might Also Like
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Dear Lord..
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.