Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.