Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.