me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Hey i am sexy to you now
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.