Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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Taking phone security to the next level.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.