—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Good point.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.