[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
For cardio I live beyond my means.