Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!