My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Before & after 😅
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE