[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap