Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.