interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
my professor scared me for a second
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.