alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Stop.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.