Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
This is enough internet for the day.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
BRO LMFAO
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I once had a tweet go bacterial.