Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN