Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.