Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
japanese corn
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives