society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Beware…..
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
100% of divorces begin with marriage.