I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.