Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.