When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.