no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Genius idea!!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.