Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist