{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.