It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder