Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.